We've all got that metaphorical devil on our shoulder, you know, that cunt in our heads telling us we're not good enough; that we're too fat, too thin, too young or too old. For some, this internal voice is muted, for others it's loud, and for Nick Kyrgios it's fucking shouting. For the sake of this article and to understand this relationship within Nick Kyrgios and within ourselves, let's personify this voice as the Cunty Koala.
Let's start off with a little illustration of a well known incident to demonstrate the powers of the Cunty Koala:
Anyone who follows tennis or even goes on Twitter once in a while knows the above scene from 2015 was far from an isolated incident. It's like he's Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in Fight Club - one minute he's helping little kids with the NK Foundation and the next he's metaphorically fight clubbing himself and being an unmistakable twat. Why you ask? The Cunty Koala is to blame.
Ok, let's be real here for a second. I'm not defending Nick's actions, staying out all night and partying throughout his run in Acapulco is certainly not great - and bragging about it after winning the tournament is even worse...but would I be any different as a pro tennis player?? I'd like to think so, but probably not.
It's easy to vilify Nick as a waste of talent and twat, because well, he is absolutely both of those things. But so are you I aren't we? Isn't basically everyone who's not a professional athlete, superstar or millionaire a waste of talent in some regard? I'm not sure, but the argument could certainly be made.
What I'm really getting at here is that Nick is kind of just like a normal dickhead 24 year old dude who happens to be really good at tennis. Is his age an excuse for his behavior? Absolutely not. As Roger or Rafa said (can't remember which one) of Nick, "age is not an excuse, I wasn't doing these things at his age" and they're right, they weren't. They're not normal dudes. No one on tour is a normal dude, they're by definition very abnormal.
Nick on the other hand, has the work ethic and mentality of a normal dude, he just happens to be really fucking good at tennis - and that's what's so frustrating. We as tennis fans admire these athletes for being what we never were - and that's why it's infuriating to see Nick putzing around being a little cunt - because in some subconscious way we don't want him to end up like us, watching the Slams from our couch eating Cheetohs and wondering what if.
You might be reading thinking "nah that's not me, I just don't like him cause he's a twat" and you might be right, but I think there's some truth in this to mull over, so just let it simmer for a bit.
Anyway, how does this relate back to the Cunty Koala?
Conclusion: Taming the Cunty Koala
So what's the point here? It all comes back to the Cunty Koala.
Nick has yet to deal with his Cunty Koala. Like many other 24 years, my previous self included, his Cunty Koala is running around willy nilly telling him to say and do shit with wreckless abandon. It's telling him he's not good enough, it's telling him he's lonely and would rather be home in Australia, it's telling him there's no point to all this and it's telling him this over and over and over.
Having a Cunty Koala is a distinctly human experience and something we can all relate to in our own ways and to different degrees - I think Nick is just the first tennis player in a while to be so open about his internal struggles - his internal battle with his Cunty Koala.
What about Roger, Rafa and Novak's Cunty Koala's? They too exist.
- Roger murdered his during his 2016 sabbatical and now is playing pressure free
- Rafa's still comes around once and a while to tell him he's got shit hair and to be self conscious about it, which causes him to lose confidence in himself and his game.
- Novak's had a fucking megaphone during his walkabout in 2017/2018 reminding him that at every turn that he's a bastard for cheating on his wife with that Indian chick - and he played like garbage as a result.
For the most part, everyone has a Cunty Koala. Some, like Roger are able to brutally murder theirs - and they're better for it. But for most of us it's just about beating that fucker into submission over years and making sure he only turns up once and while so you can tell him to piss off.
Nick's tennis career - and life - will be determined by his ability to deal with his Cunty Koala.
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