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If My D*ckhead Hipster Cousin Michael Was a Tennis Player He Would Be Benoit Paire

· Benoit Paire,Opinion,Tennis

My cousin Michael lives in Brooklyn, has a huge sweaty beard and wears beanies during mid-August in the New York City. He shops at exclusively at Whole Foods and thinks he's better than me because he eats organic carrot noodles that cost $74 dollars an ounce, while I eat uncooked Spaghetteos out of the can with a knife because all the clean forks are in the sink and we're out of dish soap. But I digress. The worst part, Michael is a tall, good looking dude and chicks absolutely love him.

If you have ever watched Benoit Paire play, you are probably beginning to see what I am getting at here. There have been very few matches of his I have ever watched where I didn't want to punch him straight in his face for being a mopey and generally poor sport. This most recent matchup vs Federer was no exception. After going down an early break in the first he spend the remainder of the set taking hallow cuts at the air with his racket, looking generally uninterested, hitting wildly impractical (although occasionally entertaining shots) and getting utterly dominated by the Swiss Maestro. The outcome vs Federer was no surprise, but everything about the match reminded me of everything there is to hate about Benoit Paire.

The dude has unbelievable hands, a genuinely top tier backhand and a workable serve and forehand. There is no doubt that if he put in the effort on the practice court and stopped being such a psycho on court all the time he could be a perpetual top 30, even top 20 player. I once overheard Darren Cahill say to Brad Gilbert, "Benoit doesn't need to hit the practice court, he needs to hit the shrink." Truer words have never been spoken Darren.

The worst part? While I sit here and say mean things about the dude behind the safety of my 2008 macbook pro, he honestly kinda crushes it. Yeah he is an underwhelming tennis player who may only have a few more big wins in his career before fading into retirement and obscurity, but he totally crushes ass and makes way more money than I do. The above photo is of him with his current girlfriend, French singer and absolute stunner Tamara Marthe. She is a legit 10/10 and looks like 100% wife material (you know exactly what I mean).

And remember last summer when he got suspended by the French Tennis Federation and kicked out of the Rio Olympics for "behavioral reasons?" Let's read between the lines here for a sec. There is literally a 200% chance that if the French Tennis Federation released an honest press release it would read, "We have suspended Benoit Paire from all further competition with the French team for raging face and crushing Brazilian ass." Total dickhead move? Yes. If you put me in that same situation as a tall, good-looking professional athlete with a ton of money in a country full of beautiful, tan women would I do the same exact thing? Abso-fucking-lutely, and you're lying to yourself if you say you would do different. Maybe I would be a bit more politic about it and try not to get kicked off the team immediately, but who knows really. The heart wants what the heart wants.

So to you Benoit, you're a total dickhead and I hate watching you play, but keep doing you.

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